Let me try on your hand and see if it fits
Don’t worry I won’t touch anything unholy with it
Let it be known today, if you got two hands
You’re supposed to pray

from Hand of God by Soundgarden

That’ll teach me to take care of my own backups. Sheesh. Thankfully my webhost had a pretty recent backup of a few key directories, and in the end I didn’t lose anything I couldn’t recreate myself. Lesson learned. All should be back to normal. Yay!